to her

I wish I had the words. To tell you what you mean to me. I don’t. I wish I had another word to say instead of “I’m sorry” I don’t. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I can’t. I wish I never caused you any amount of pain, anger, sadness. I can’t take those things back. 

You always hurt or are hurt by those you love. Of course that’s true. I hurt the woman I love. Any why? How could I have been so blind to see that I was being a complete moron? The way I acted towards you, I might as well have said that I don’t trust you. That’s what my actions said. To let myself get so consumed with feelings of envy and jealousy. What was I thinking. 

And where did it get me? Alone. Losing the only person I’ve ever loved. I’ve never been one to say that word. The L word. Just admitting it to anyone was hard. And as time went on, I realized that I was truly in love with you. That you were and remain, the best person to ever come into my life. The one person I can look at and say that I would do anything for this person. A person I could spend the rest of my life with. And I screwed that up. No. I fucked that up. Such foolish pride. Such an attitude. I can only say sorry so many times for what happened before the words just ring empty and hollow. 

I wish I could say I didn’t cry. I wish I could say that everyday without you is fine. But that’s not true. I’ve never ever once cried over a person. But you, somehow you reached down into my very core. You’ve made me realize how much you can love someone. Which is crazy at times for me to think about how I fell in love with you. But it doesn’t make it any less true. 

I don’t know how to deal with this. Every time I sleep, I see you. And you’re walking away. Or I’m lost, looking for you, not being able to find you. And those are the ‘ok’ dreams. Some are must worse. Waking up with a scream caught in my throat. Shivering, and absolutely soaked in sweat. 

I could think of a million things to say to you about how I won’t do it again. How I’ve changed. But that wouldn’t even sound right. It would sound like nothing but lies. Realizing my mistakes is one thing. Realizing I’ve engaged in a pattern of behavior I quite honestly have never done before but I’ve done with you. That shows nothing good. Only actions from here on out can prove anything. Do I get that chance? Do I even deserve it?

What keeps me here? What keeps me holding onto the hope that you haven’t given up on us? Maybe because you still communicate with me. Maybe because I feel that you have strong feelings for me as well. I can’t know. I don’t ask. Afraid of the answer. Afraid of hearing those words: “it’s over” I might be hoping in vain. But I’m a fighter for things I believe in. I believe in us. I know because you’ve captured my heart. Because I love you so damn much that I will fight for you. 

I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me. Maybe as a “man” I’m not supposed to reveal all of this. But I don’t give a damn. Because I love you and that’s that. No one means more to me than you. Your love is all I want. You’re the person I need. You’re the amazing person that means the world to me.

I love you smurf. I probably always will.